Hot Flashes and Red Flags, Part 2: The 7 Guys Waiting to Waste Your Time (and Maybe Your Lip Gloss)
So, you’ve healed. Or you’ve lied to yourself enough to act like you’ve healed. You’re moisturized, waxed, well read, gainfully employed, have your credit on point and are in possession of at least one decorative throw pillow with affirmations stitched into it. And now… you’re ready. Kinda. Maybe. Not really. But it’s time.
You are back in these streets. And sis, these streets? They are not paved with gold. They are paved with red flags, half-hearted “WYD” texts, and grown-ass men who still say “my bad” instead of apologizing.
Let’s talk about the recurring cast of characters you’re bound to encounter:
1. The Pen Pal
This is the man who wants a relationship… via text message. He got your number with such confidence that you assumed a date was imminent. Girl, six weeks later, you’ve received 117 “Good morning beautiful” texts and zero invitations to leave your house.
The Signs:
• “WYD?” every 4–6 hours like he’s writing your biography
• “Good morning beautiful” like a poor quality affirmations app
• “How was your day?” like he’s doing court ordered community service by offering half assed emotional support
The Solution:
After the third redundant message, send this:
“Darling, I know it’s easier to feel connected when the effort stays in my court. But if you’re actually interested in me, hit me up when you’re ready to plan a date.”
2. Mr. Dos Ick-ies
He thinks he’s the most interesting man in the world. In reality, he’s the most insufferable AND the most delusional. A walking TED Talk no one asked for.
The Signs:
• References to elite schools he only walked past
• Mansplains your own job to you
• Talks over you, and when you do squeeze a thought into his monologue he says “Wow, you’re smart!” like it’s a unique discovery
The Solution:
Ghost him. He’ll never notice. And if he does, say “Honestly, I just couldn’t keep up with your intellect.” Watch his chest puff up like a Thanksgiving turkey. Let him fly away with that delusion.
3. Daddy F*ckboi
This one is a heartbreaker wrapped in “family values.” He’s got pictures with his kids on Instagram. He talks lovingly and amusingly about fatherhood. Before you know it, you start making excuses for him faster than he dodges commitment.
The Signs:
• You’re always second to something vague and adorable
• You don’t hear from him for a week, then he pops back up with “It’s been crazy”
• Eventually, you find out “crazy” means other women or even whole other families!
Exhibit A:
Alex. I thought he had three kids. Turns out, he had three MORE kids with a woman he chronically cheated with during his 15-year marriage. And he waited until date #9 to subtly mention that his most recent disappearing act was because he was “out of the country visiting my other three kids.” Wha? Sir, that’s not a vacation. That’s a new definition for guilt tripping.
The Solution:
Ask direct questions early. “How do you see a partner fitting into your life?” “What’s your relationship like with your exes?” If his answers include international travel to visit undisclosed children, abort mission.
4. Mr. Good on Paper
He’s got the resume, the hygiene, a healthy measure of mom-love, the job, and even the abs. But somehow… your vagina refuses to text back.
The Signs:
• He’s objectively a “good guy”
• You’re trying to force feelings
• He does something slightly weird—like licking his fingers at a steakhouse—and you’re in an Uber before dessert
The Solution:
Be honest. With him and yourself. You don’t owe anyone chemistry. Say something like: “You’re wonderful, but I don’t feel the connection I hoped for”, and then go cry in your therapist’s office while exploring why good guys finish last with you.
5. The Puddle (Because He’s an Inch Deep)
Fine as hell. Looks like God was showing off. But when you ask, “What are your thoughts on climate change?” he blinks like a confused Labrador before spitting out something painful like “I like summer the best.”
The Signs:
• Doesn’t read
• Doesn’t think
• Doesn’t care—just fucks like an Olympian
The Solution:
If you’re in your “just need a fine distraction” era, the puddle is a great place to splash. But know what it is: shallow, fleeting, and absolutely glorious in the moment. Just don’t catch feelings. And hydrate, you’ll need electrolytes. They have stamina, you have aging joints.
6. The Phantom Menace
In the beginning? Amazing. Consistent. Sexy. Full sentences. You think you’ve found “him.” Then he goes POOF. Not quite ghosting. It’s more like haunting.
The Signs:
• Vanishes, then reappears every few weeks like eczema
• Still flirts just enough to keep you confused
• Only consistent thing? Inconsistency
The Solution:
Say this with your whole chest: “I need consistency or nothing. Wishing you the best, but I’m not available for games.” And mean it. Because he will come back. But you? You’re already booked and busy with someone who knows what he wants.
7. The Narcissist
Let’s get serious for a moment. This one’s not funny. He’ll love-bomb you, then chip away at your self-worth until you forget who you were before him.
The Signs:
• Over-the-top compliments turn into subtle digs
• Makes you feel like you’re the crazy one
• Gaslights you into questioning your confidence, body, voice, and reality
The Solution:
Run. Don’t walk. RUN. No closure. No text. No “maybe he’ll change.” He will not. You deserve love that builds you, and this guy is out here trying to break you.
Stay sturdy in the knowledge that even if they manage to knock you off your sky high heels, you don’t break.
Final Thoughts:
Dating again is not for the emotionally dehydrated. It requires discernment, sturdy boundaries, a solid therapist, and friends who will tell you when you’re romanticizing red flags like they’re personality traits.
You will roll your eyes. You will block a few numbers. You might even cry in the car listening to early 2000’s R&B. You’ll also laugh harder than you have in years, feel sexy in your own skin, and remember that you are the main character, not the supporting cast in some man’s hero arc.
So be smart. Be savage. Be soft where it counts and sharp where it’s needed. And for the love of God, stop responding to “wyd” texts after 9pm. Or ever.
You’re not desperate. You’re just bored—and there’s a difference.